Everyone has regrets, but some of them protrude in our memories more than others, and maybe even cause a twinge of pain. A new study from Cornell University looks at which types of regrets stick out in people’s minds more—regrets that involve our more lofty and ephemeral “ideal selves,” or those having to do with our obligations and the person we think we “ought” to be.
Earlier work by the team had discovered some interesting things about how we look back on our past selves. For instance, one study found that people more often regret what they didn’t do—missed opportunities—than actions that they did take and view as mistakes. This, the authors suggest, is because it’s easier to right a wrong than chase an opportunity that passed us by.
The new study, in the journal Emotion, wanted to look at a different, but related question: What kinds of regrets do people have about the people we become—or don’t become? The authors focused on a well-studied trichotomy: the “actual,” “ideal,” and “ought” selves. The actual self is what we believe we are in actuality, and all the traits we think we possess. The ideal self includes the traits a person would like to possess—hopes, dreams, aspirations. The ought self is a person’s idea of the attributes he or she believes she should possess, in terms of duties and obligations. There's often a divide between our actual selves and our ideal and ought selves.
In the first experiment, they asked 101 participants very bluntly what types of things they regretted the most. Participants read this question:
“In their lives, people often experience various regrets. Sometimes people regret not being the person they think they could have been. They regret not achieving the goals they had set for themselves, and not fulfilling their dreams and aspirations. Other times, people regret not being the person they think they should have been. They regret not meeting the norms and rules they had for themselves, and not fulfilling their obligations. Take a moment to think about what you regret most in life. When you think about your biggest life regrets, which do you tend to regret more?”
People overwhelmingly said they regretted “ideal self”-related goals more – 72% of the participants said their regrets had to do with these over goals related to the “ought self."
In follow-up experiments, the team got at the question in different ways, for instance, asking participants to write out lists of their regrets, and rating which category they fell into, or thinking about a regret that they would like to undo, and how that would work. And again, participants more often expressed that “ideal self” regrets were more poignant than “ought self” regrets.
There may be a few reasons for this imbalance. One is that ideal goals are just harder to attain than ought goals. They may also be more abstract and less context-dependent, so their memory activated more often. Being a good person—or a good citizen or parent—is a large and abstract goal. "Well, what does that mean, really?" Gilovich said. "There aren't clear guideposts. And you can always do more."
Gilovich’s advice seems to be not to miss “ideal self” opportunities, if we can help it. He advises not to worry about what other people think so much, as it’s very likely less bad than you imagine. "People are more charitable than we think and also don't notice us nearly as much as we think," he says. "If that's what holding you back – the fear of what other people will think and notice – then think a little more about just doing it… As the Nike slogan says: 'Just do it.’ Don't wait around for inspiration, just plunge in. Waiting around for inspiration is an excuse. Inspiration arises from engaging in the activity."
That said, the authors’ paper ends a bit more cautiously. They acknowledge that seizing the moment all the time can bring “both benefits and misfortune.” But, they say, how we proceed ultimately depends on which “self” is more important to us. And perhaps that’s something we all need to grapple with for ourselves.
“A person who places a lot of weight on her ought self would be wise to minimize her regrets by thinking twice before forging ahead,” the authors conclude. “However, if one is an adventurous soul guided by her ideal self, she might indeed end up happier by seizing the day and not looking back. As we have shown in this research, a person focused on her ideal self is more likely to lose sleep over her ‘wouldas’ and ‘couldas’ than her ‘shouldas.’”
